Wish List

If weight (and money, LOL) were not an issue, these items would be most welcome in my life :)

Nan 2 by nan929599 featuring Wet Seal tops

Nan by nan929599 featuring TopShop dresses

Bad, Bad Blogger

I wonder if I will ever be a good blogger.

I wonder if I will ever lose this damn weight.

I wonder if I will ever get more than 4 hours of sleep at night again.

Eric is back on 3rd shift. It is seriously stressing me out. He lost his job in mid-January, and started this job on February 1st, so he doesn't get a lot of choice in the matter. I'm trying to deal with it, trying to just be thankful that he has a job, but I find myself in a constant state of "poor me" and I can't break free from it. I can't get to bed at a decent hour when he's not here. It really brings up an anxiety in me that I can't explain. I can't get back on my meds because we have no medical insurance... Thank God my kids are able to get Medicaid for the time being, but Eric and I have nothing. Hopefully Eric will get hired in soon (he's through a temp agency right now) and we will have insurance in the next couple of months. And when he gets hired in his hourly pay will go up by about $5 an hour, so looking forward to that :)

So for about the last 2 months I have been eating without much thought, and not working out on any kind of schedule. I seem to be thrown off track so easily. I haven't gained anything, surprisingly. I managed to get to Curves today and I weighed myself, so I know the numbers aren't going up. But I feel bigger. My face looks puffier, and my pants fit a bit more snug than they used to. I know that I'm dehydrated pretty much constantly, and that is a good bit due to drinking way too much coffee every day, trying to compensate for so little sleep. I can't see myself giving up the coffee, so I guess I should try to throw back a glass of water every now and then in between... I've tried that before, with little success, so we'll see, LOL...

I have been trying to take more pictures, it makes me happy, but I'm struggling with a lack of subjects. My daughter is getting sick of being my model, I think, LOL... I did take some Easter pics of my friend's daughter for her, and they didn't come out too bad... I don't try to pretend that I'm a professional, by any means, but hopefully with time and practice I will get better...

Say Hello To My Little Friend!

(not) Picture Perfect

I've really been wanting to get back to taking thousands of pictures a day, but my camera has other plans. For the last couple of months, every time I try to take pictures, the dang thing shuts itself off, then turns back on, then shuts itself off, then back on, etc.... I spent $30 to get a new battery, and no luck... still doing the same thing. I can't afford to replace it right now, but hopefully in the spring I can manage it. Sucks to wait til then, but I have no choice... If anyone has any recommendations, please let me know! The camera I'm coming off of is a Kodak P712...

I'm thinking of going to a Nikon or a Canon... expensive, but I want a good camera to work on my portrait photography, as well as just everyday pictures...

Good Morning

It is 10:41am, I'm tired but in a somewhat good mood, thankfully :)

• I'm on my first cup of coffee, but willing to drink the entire pot in short order :)
• hungry, but too tired to get up and cook... I don't usually eat cereal, even though it would probably be more convenient
• my house is a disaster, and I am weighing the odds that I can get the children to pitch in and clean
• feeling a bit anxious about my son, Nathan, turning 18 next month... I worry that he isn't ready to be an adult and he should just go back to being 12 :)
• have a meeting with Nathan's teacher next week to discuss the possibility of early graduation
• Yes, he is a smart little sucker, but his issues with Aspergers worry me that he will not be able to hold a job and he will therefore live with me until he is 50.
• Anna thinks she is grown and knows everything
• People tell me that's normal for a 14 (almost 15!) year old girl.
• I'm convinced that there is nothing normal about that girl.
• Nicholas has been my bright spot for years, though lately I think maybe he's not so bright, LOL
• Love him much though :)
• He still hugs me and tells me I'm the best mommy ever
• usually when he wants something, but I'll take what I can get
• have an odd urge to watch Grease 2 today... have sent Nathan to my mother's to borrow the dvd
• my Christmas tree is in it's box in my living room where it's been for the last week
• harder every year to get in the spirit and decorate...
• maybe tomorrow...
• I spend way too much time on Facebook
• Hubby is working 9am to 9pm... sucks :(
• think I'll go read my book until the dvd arrives
• Reading The Fiery Cross by Diana Gabaldon... love her :)
• Have a beautiful day!

quick update

Hi all :)

Things are going really well for me lately. Eric and I are doing wonderful. My job is going good. The kids are, well, normal, LOL...

And I signed back up at Curves a couple of weeks ago. That feels good. Really good. Getting there has been hit and miss so far... Nicholas had H1N1 right after I signed up and I didn't go for fear of passing it to everyone there, and I got there once after that and then came down with bronchitis. I feel ok, but if I start breathing heavy at all I can't stop the deep, painful coughing. Not a good way to be at the gym. I have managed to locate the treadmill, though a fierce battle it was with all the clothes hanging around, over and on top of it :) I figure I can at least walk without agitating my bronchitis.

Happy Anniversary

Eric and I on our 11th wedding anniversary 5-16-09.

**************************************************************

Oh yes, the job interview... I got the job! I am now a housekeeper at a new hotel being built. I've spent the last 2 and a half weeks, with 7 other ladies, immersed knee-deep in drywall dust and construction madness, LOL... we are opening in about a week and a half so we are finally seeing it come together. The drapes are going in, and Tuesday we will be getting all the bedding in. Once we are open, I will only have to work from 8:30am to about 1:00pm... that means that during the school year, I will be here when the kids leave in the morning, and I'll be home when they get home from school. During the summer, I only need help from my mother with the kids about an hour and a half in the morning until Eric gets home from work. Being home with my kids is very important to me.

After 90 days, the best perk goes into effect :) Being able to stay at any Hilton owned hotel for $29.99 a night! I love this!

A Whole New World

I was just looking back at my blog to see how long it has been since my last post. The interviews with the kids were just filler, something fun for a change, as I have not had much fun since that last post on October 21st. That was the day my whole world changed.

This is the abridged version...

I told my husband that day that I wanted a divorce. He had no idea that I was that unhappy, so it kind of hit him up-side the head. He's a good husband, he always has been. I just felt like he was my best friend and that was all the feeling I could muster anymore. It was difficult working through it because we are so not wealthy, so we had to continue living together because neither of us could afford to move. He finally did find a place, and started to fix it up and move some things in, but still lived at our house because I had no job and he couldn't afford to sustain 2 active households. We have filed bankruptcy, and are losing our house... it's been killing us for years, and with Eric's hours being cut for so long, we just couldn't hold on to it anymore... I couldn't find a job, so I ended up on government assistance, which did enable me to get an apartment of my own. I was actually very excited about getting that apartment and beginning to move forward with my life again. Then I got the keys.

I got the keys on March 31, and things went haywire again. I walked into that apartment with keys in hand and had a bit of a break down. All of the pain and frustrations I had been dealing with fell away and I realized that I did still love my husband and I did not want to live away from him. I didn't say anything right away, I was so afraid that it was a fear response... that I was just afraid to be on my own... I had to make sure what I was feeling before I made any decisions. On April 4th, Eric came to me at the right moment and asked me what I was thinking, and I ended up telling him. We spent all day talking things out and in the end we decided to stay together and make it work. I turned in the keys to the apartment and we both moved into the place he had rented. We are still working on getting everything moved and organized... it's a bit difficult, because we are downsizing quite considerably.

I did quit Curves some months ago to try and save money. I began eating myself into a corner. And I've put on weight. I am hovering about 232lbs. I have so many other things going on right now that it is difficult to make my weight loss a priority. It is on my mind though. More every day. I will get back to it.

Oh, and I actually had a job interview last week, and it looks as though it might come through. I will know for sure on Wednesday. I'll let you know more then. I'm a bit scared though, I haven't worked outside of the home in 10 years. I guess now would be a good time to get back on my anxiety meds, LOL...